I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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