I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
