Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
