I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
