Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
