you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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