I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
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At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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