Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
