New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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