Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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