in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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