M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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