I want to make a zoo with you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
