I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
