just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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