Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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