guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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