: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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