I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
