god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
