I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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