I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How does one acquire holy water?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
