my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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