dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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