3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
