Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize