We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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