I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
