She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I checked into jail on foursquare
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
