Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
