this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
