Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
