Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
worst night to have a conscience
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
