I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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