i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
