It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
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Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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