nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
