I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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