thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize