he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
