"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
