fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
