I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
