Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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