I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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