There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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