Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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