I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
