The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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