do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
