I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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