My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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