you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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