She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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