checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Four minutes until I can fart!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
