FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
