JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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