I think I won the penis lottery.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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